E FOR EVERYONE

I was sitting, thinking today. I wonder why it's ok to shame parents for "allowing" their children to play video games.

Moderation.

I get it.

Don't insult me by thinking I would let my kids zombie out all day on video games.

But I guess what gets me is why is it ok to look down our noses at parents "LETTING" kids see the hideous violent video games... or even watch the HORRIFYING Princess BRIDE, (Actual quote of bitch on that movie? "I'm very selective about what I let my kids see" PUKE) ... and yet, we parade them around the old folks home to sing Xmas carols? When I was a kid, I was filed in to one of these urine bins. The people were either dying or insane. One of the women was spitting on us. You could smell them from the parking lot and when you came near... if they weren't (as stated) spitting on you, they were trying to molest you in some way. The whole vibe is sickening in those place. But we send our well protected kids.


I think I'll stick to the TV and games. No paper thin skin is trying to touch me and suck away some of my (or more importantly, my child's) youth.

Weez The Juice.

You know, a couple years ago, we went to the circus.

While we waiting to get in, there were many charming members of PETA waiting along where we had to wait in line. They wanted us to feel guilty for watching all the abused animals. "Ma`am! You DO know they break their spirits, right???"
I giggled. Why? I giggled, because the person.. and I use the term loosely, who was warning me.. was .. well, a circus freak. I couldn't tell the sex, and barely could tell it was human. I'm immature.. sue me. Better yet, throw me in jail for going to a circus with all the abused animals.



So anyway, I'm all "Yeah well I already paid for the tickets" which was a total lie.. my mommy bought them for me. But still. I didn't have to be honest with the circus freak.



We get in and buy our 75 dollar snow cones. And out 87 dollar popcorn. We stepped right up to our seats. The circus began. First thing in the Greatest Show on Earth was a bunch of dogs.. doing all these tricks.. catching Frisbees.. only way better than you've ever seen. And all I could say to myself was "That Peta Monster was right.... I know how much dogs HATE playing around catching Frisbees every day. They would really rather not chase things and wag tails and get treats. Poor dogs."

And that's about how it was the whole circus... except......

The horses.

The horses came out and did this trotting thing all around and they had on the fancy saddles and what have you. And that was ok. But at the end... they made one of the horses take a bow on it's knees. And it made me feel sad inside. I'm not joking. It DID look broken. I felt a weird kind of pity I haven't felt.... well, not that I can remember feeling.... not before.

I felt that feeling again the other day.

An ad came on for a movie with Brendan Fraser.

FURRY VENGEANCE.

The title alone should have done it.. but it was the clip of what I believe was him dancing with an animal. I think his pants were partially pulled down or something.

He looked more beaten down than that horse.

I realize he's been Dudley Do-Right. And even in the horrifying Mrs. Winterbourne... but I always loved him for his Encino Man and of course Monkeybone.I of course liked With Honors, and even put up with Airheads. Sure, he kinda sucked in those MUMMY ones... but when I saw his ad for this new one, I could have cried.



Brendan, get some dignity. You're making me sick.

PANIC!

I've had a couple of emergencies this week.

My mom wanted me to do something for her when I was at work. I couldn't til I was OFF work... I can't really get her to accept that.

She calls my cell. I ignore. (I have to. I'm at work)

So, she texts... "HELP!"

Over and over. And over. Until I was forced to call her from work and inform her I couldn't answer her.

Sheesh.

Then... (in other news and it leads to my next "emergency") we got a new dog... and I don't mean puppy.

Oh God, she's so cute and we love her and we hope the landlady doesn't make us get rid of her as we really do love her so. (We are planning on 'dog sitting' and then schmooze the landlady... and yes, I'm aware it's not really up there with my best ideas... but I think it can work)



Anyway so I'm "happily" at work. When Chelsea calls me

C: Mom... I can't find Kendall. She took the dog out to walk. I heard dogs fighting and Kendall screaming!

Me: GO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND HER I'M COMING HOME!

I go home.

All I can think is (as I drive the usual 10 minutes in 3..) "Kendall tried to stop a dog fight... ohgodohgodohgod... " Picturing her all bloody and broken and all I can hope is I'm there in time.

I get home and both girls are crying (My girls aren't big criers~boy yes, but girls, not really) and I say "ARE YOU OKAYYYY?"


Here's what happened:

Dog got away, HOPPED the fence... ran and ran and frolicked "like a deer" all around the property.

Kendall panics... chases her.. (here's where Chelsea must have heard her) starts screaming "Someone help me get my dog!" She's afraid she's going to go to the busy road.. or worse, meet coyotes...

Catches the dog. Dog drags her in a river.. (Prolly not too far.. just enough to ruin MY shoes she "borrowed")

Anyway so when I get there, they are teary.. Chelsea is spitting, spitting, spitting...

"Get that dog in the house!" I say..

K: We can't! Look at her butt!

I look.

I behold something... poopy and.. stringy.

I say to get me some toilet paper.. so I can.. wipe.. I guess.

But when I try, it's not just poop. Oh no. It's four long strands of grass like weeds. I had to PULL them out.. one by one. Gag, gag, gag. Spit, spit, spit.

Tell kids to let her stay in til I get back.

Go back to work.

I'm SO glad it was just shit string.

SO glad.

Big Plans

Another Friday and I can't work. Something must be wrong with me and it's called "I am sick of work.. Oh, and I'm lazy."

I have nothing to write about, really.. So I'll give a run down of what I'm planning this weekend.
Starting with today, as I seem to be starting even here at work.

1. Take a nap (I plan on napping as soon as I get home from work... )

2. Go to the post office. (I'm actually going to the post office after work and BEFORE my nap, but I like the nap being #1 better and so it is and so it shall be. At least on my list)

3. Take a nap after the work and the post office.

(When I go home, I DO plan on yelling at the kids a little bit first as I KNOW they haven't doing their jobs and if they have, they did them the wrong way, so I will be walking in, yelling, heading upstairs to the bed, throwing mouse/bird killing cat OUT of bed, and getting in bed mySELF.)

4. Wake up and make dinner. (Yay.)

5. Go back to bed. (I gotta go back to bed SOMEtime. It's ok if I'm not tired. I DO have sleeping pills, ya know. Sleeping pills that I STEAL from other members of the house!)

6. When it's SATURDAY (!!!) I plan on sleeping in. At that point, I'll go downstairs, yell at kids some more, watch cartoons.. (because it's SATURDAY!!!!) And then I'll maybe think about going yard sailing, but then I'll change my mind and go on Sunday instead... But I'll still think about it. And think hard.

7. Take Chelsea to spend all her money. (This isn't very fun. Unless I shoplift something.)

8. Think of ways to get Booger Eater in trouble. Do nothing about it.

9. Take Chelsea to Borders... Look at books I want... Picture text them to myself, so I can look them up on half.com. (Shoplift bookmark!)

10. Go home, make lunch, play with my new book mark, take a nap.

11. Stay sleeping as long as I can... Maybe start laundry before.

12. Sleep through Sunday.

I think that pretty much covers it. I lead a VERY exciting life, as anyone can see...

Crushing

I've been joking about it... but I realized the other day, I have a crush on someone at work.
It's not a sexual crush, so it's pretty complicated. And she's a girl.

THEN I "found out" she's gay... I still don't think I'm ready to have sex with her... or whatever it is that girls have... but I thought I better make sure it's actually a (non sexual!) crush..



I looked up "How to tell you have a crush" .... and I was honest with myself.


1. You felt a passionate desire to be with the person with whom you are infatuated.


CHECK! Every time she walks by, I find myself trying (in a cool kinda way so I won't seem desperate!) to get her attention. She's very VERY funny. When I DO get said attention, I am SO excited. Is that normal? It is if you have a crush! After she leaves, I think about all the funny stuff she just said to me.... *swoon* I'll even think of funny stuff she says to other people... she has a wit like no other... not to mention GREAT timing.


2. You experience the "High and Low" syndrome: mood swings depending on how the person you are infatuated with responds.

Check :(
I feel all butt hurt if she walks by and doesn't stop to say hi to me... or if I try to say hi, but she's busy.


3. You find yourself daydreaming about him.

All damned day and night long. Sometimes I want to see her "room mate" so I can size her up and see if I could steal my crush.

4. You feel a hungry feeling when you are away from him.
I do.. but this is usually because I go home at dinner time.

5. You need constant reassurance from him.

Sigh.. yeah.. I like her to come by and laugh at me.

6. Your life becomes focused on him. You may even change your life to accommodate him.

This is where things get iffy... I may very well start to play for the blue team over this girl... I wanna go everywhere with her. I want to take her to meet my family (Ok, just to mortify them, but still) and I want to share clothes.

7. You live in constant fear of rejection or abandonment.


I don't know about this one.. not for a crush anyway... this is something I save for people who actually love me. I have nightmares about the people leaving once I HAVE them... but not for a crush.

8. You feel a deep need for your feelings to be returned by him.

Not only that... (him is a her in this case, by the way) I wanna be her favorite work person.
I think about her.. laugh at her.. and when I go home, I brag about her to my significant other.

He knows I have it bad for her. He's just come to accept it. ;)

Oh God here she comes!!!

Functional

My mom emailed me. She said something about my brother graduating med school... somethin somethin... one May 21st somethin somethin.... and then it dawned on me... she has the crazy notion that I'm gonna try and go.


But I can't blame her for thinking it.... not exactly...
Every time there's a "family thing" we do the same dance...

Tonia: We are having >insert terribly important family function here< on such and such a date.

Melissa: Oh.. wow... okay.. let me see if I can get the time off.... Oh I hope I can go... maybe I'll get the kids' schoolwork NOW...

*meanwhile... I don't.

See, I don't really care. But I pretend to.

I'm normally not a flake. But for this.. I have to do the dance...

As such and such a date approaches, I'm still all gung ho.

Until... Tonia is at said "event" and then *I* suddenly have a small personal tragedy.

Is it mature? No. Does it work? You bet your sweet ass.

I have to be careful as I've been accused of turning my back on the family.

I haven't. Really. It's just that I don't care. I no longer know those people. So.. I just... don't... care.

*shrug*

I didn't mean for it to happen. It just kinda.... did. Like an affair!

I even have another mother I see. I tell her all my problems. She loves me. I love her.

I am cheating on my mom. Left her for another.

Is that so wrong?

I love my mom. I do. But it's just not working out.

And I don't want to go to my brother's graduation. I don't like his wife. I don't really like him, to be honest. He's kinda turned into a dick. Love him. But... don't want to surround myself with people like that. He has.. turned INto his wife's family. Ick. Poo. (Mormons~ phony... Nasty game playing hypocrites.. a shame). I mean.. I love him. There a a LOT of people I love... who I just either don't LIKE or I don't have anything in common with...


It's ok with me not to have anything in common... but it isn't ok with them. So, I think "DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!" I I just don't go round.

It's better for all of us.

Although, this comes off with me as the bad guy. That's ok with me, but it's easier to say "Oh, ok! I'll try to arrange!"

I'll catch the pictures on facebook.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Good thing I get Big Whoop Magazine.

Too bad they don't give a certificate for being awesome. I'd have made my family go to that. Once I got it...

Where there's smoke-ers... there's fire.

We aren't allowed to smoke on campus at our work.. and no, I am not a smoker.. but I took a break with a friend who does...

Since you have to leave campus to smoke.. the smokers would throw the butts all over the sidewalk. Then they got a "talking to" email about that.. so someone broughtin a really classy coffee can....

It caught fire today...





Man oh man did we laugh.. no one seemed to care.
I came back and let security know. I think he thought I was April Fooling.

But I wasn't.
I WISH I thought of something that good for April Fool's Day.